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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.